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There are times in our life when we are faced with grief and bereavement following the death of a loved one, parent, partner, pet or perhaps there is an anticipatory loss due to illness. No matter our age or experience, nothing prepares us for the pain, numbness and raw emotions grief causes. Moreover, we may experience feelings of grief and anticipatory loss due to being diagnosed with an illness. Whatever the reason, feelings of grief are unique to the individual and that there is no set time limit as to the duration of grieving, despite popular opinion.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first identified stages of grief. These are:
Stage 1 - Denial. Where a person refuses to accept what is happening perhaps saying, “This isn’t happening to me” This defence mechanism may assist the person in preventing them becoming overwhelmed in the short-term.
Stage 2 - Anger. A person may become angry by questioning the fairness “It’s not fair…. Why me?” This anger can be directed at people close by or anyone such as medical staff or God.
Stage 3 - Bargaining. A person may try and bargain with God or try to find experimental therapy to prolong life.
Stage 4 depression - I’m too sad to do anything phase. This may happen when it dawns on the person of the loss or the looming presence of death insofar as there is no bargaining, and anticipatory grief sets in as to what will happen
Stage 5 acceptance - I’m at peace what happened. This stage conflicts with the others insofar as the person is no longer fighting and realises the outcome is inevitable.
Grief and bereavement can cause quite strong physiological conditions such as feelings of panic, rapid heart beat, night sweats, skin problems to insomnia, forgetfulness, numbness to cognitive impairment such as feelings of low mood, a loss of purpose or direction in life and feelings of despair. Perhaps also feelings of denial where the person refuses to accept the death as real and uses the present tense and still goes about their day-to-day activities even laying out a place for dinner.
What is important to remember is that grieving and bereavement is a highly individual process. Yes, there are recognised stages you will pass through but there is no set rules as to the length of these stages or the fact it is sequential. You may find you have days where you cope well and others where you feel as though you're not coping or things are getting worse. That is perfectly fine and this will be explained to you during your treatment.
Counselling helps by guiding your through the grief process and helping you to identify any physical or emotional feelings, that you are experiencing. For example physical symptoms such as tightness of the chest, heightened sensitivity to noise, hollowness in the tummy, shortness of breath, weakness in the body to a dry mouth can often associated with grief, although of course, you will also be recommended to have a check-up with your GP to rule out any physical causes. You will also be assisted with the thoughts of disbelief, confusion, preoccupation with the deceased, a sense of presence and hallucinations. Which may lead to behaviour disturbance such as e.g. insomnia, loss or increase of appetite, forgetfulness, social withdrawal, sighing, restlessness and crying.
At the same time it is important to give space for you to reminisce and talk about the deceased about what they were like. It is important to remember that you will experience grief differently and that some people may try and sabotage the grieving process by filling all their available time to stop them thinking of the deceased i.e. going on endless holidays or taking on lots of voluntary work. This is not tackling grieving but merely storing it up. or they may go out and find another relationship, or move to another district. Once again these are avoidance techniques which whilst they may help in the short term, do not help you address the issues.
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Some people may experience complicated or chronic grief is when grieving has gone on for a long period of time or perhaps a person is stuck at one particular stage of the grief cycle. This is often apparent by references to the deceased in the present tense and/or referring to them on a day-to-day basis. Or perhaps breaking down emotionally each time they are referred to the deceased despite them having died some years back.
There is also the possibility of delayed grief, especially a person who has nursed someone through a terminal illness. Once again a person may appear bubbly and matter of fact about the death and talk little about their emotions perhaps having to come to terms of death whilst the person was still alive.
Whatever the cause of the grief and bereavement counselling can help with the healing process, and a tailored approach specifically for your grief will be adopted.
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